MA Shadow

I keep looking but not finding what I am looking for. I don’t know what I am expecting to find. I just keep searching but finding nothing.

I am looking for my wonder of finding something new. My mind continues to keep me going never giving up,

I am looking for anything that will keep me moving forward and try not to use all my lives that I have left.

What I am looking for, I don’t know. It could be looking for love and passion from a good woman. Life has shorten for me.

So now I am looking for things that make me happy whether it’s real or not. I am rely on my imagination to give me what I am looking for. I am as happy as I can be for not having what I have been looking for.

Looking and Looking for all that I can do.

Looking Forwards…….

Today, I did a Meetup on Painting. It was a beach scene at Midnight with wonderful blacks and blues for the sky and ocean with white for the waves any shades of yellow for the grass. It was a wonderful scene.

I prepare myself the previous evening by listening to ocean waves to get myself in the right mind. I got to the class with plenty time to even get a cup of coffee at Starbucks and the artist style (Wilson Bickford) that we were going to follow.

I got to class, which had about seven students. The instructor had us do some prep work on the canvas. Just that little bit was enough to easy my mind but I could see my perfectionist streak trying to break through but I was able to fight it back. Something I did repeatedly for the next four hours.

We started by using a dark blue brush horizontally down a third of then we transition to a mixture of white and blue to lighten the sky down to another third of the canvas.  We add white horizontal layer of white to simulate the waves at the horizon. Then we added a white moon at the transition from dark sky to light sky. Then we add white waves in where the moon cast light. The bottom third we add some sand with pebbles along with grass with stalks reaching the sky.

The next thing I new the class was over. I really enjoyed it considering it was my first time painting. I didn’t let my analytical side take over, it tried but I prevailed. I know it’s not perfect but It’s fine with me. The Journey was worth it.

I just heard a song called Get Lucky by Daft Punk. It remind me of a time when I was going to a Club in Angeles City in the Philippines back in the mid 80’s. This was a time when I was in  the Air Force and I meet a girl from Berkley. She was a dancer and artist. We meet up with each other for a week.

I got to Rose’s early I have been dancing for a couple hours, to the point my shirts was soaked. The PI nights are always humid. Taking a break I see her across the floor. White pant and a off the should blouse. She waves me over. She hands me note, telling me she can’t talk but she like the way I danced.

Like the legend of the Phoenix
All ends with beginnings

We started enjoy each other

Nothing was planned. She wasn’t staying in the PI, She only had a week left. We made no plans. We just danced.

We dance till the morning.

I have been writing for several years. I have never finished any stories that I have written or at least finished to my satisfaction. I have written thousand and thousand of words.

I enjoy the process at the beginning, or I enjoy coming up with ideas to write about. I can start writing but as the process continues I start to lose faith. I still haven’t found a solution to not stopping. It’s like someone who starts a new hobby, does it for a few weeks and then starts a new one. With me I am doing the same hobby over and over.

I do enjoy getting on my laptop at a coffee shop or when I am on vacation. Sitting down and just typing away on the keyboard. It keeps grounded and I tend not to worry about anything that is going on in my life. The initial phase I can type forever and not notice anything going on around me.

So even though I am not finishing my novels, I will still write and someday I will be satisfied with my words

Watching the raindrops on the window pane, getting lost in my thoughts. There’s a knock a bedroom door…she opens it.

Looking at me she asks me what are you doing. I tell her just trying to stay cool in this muggy Texas evening, the rain is helping a little.

A song is playing from a radio…

“The world was on fire and no one could save me but you”
“It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do”
“I’d never dreamed that I’d meet somebody like you”
“And I’d never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you”

She crawls on to my bed and works her way up to me. Places her head on my chest.
We listen to the song…

“No, I don’t want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)”
“No, I don’t want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)”
“With you”(this girl is only gonna break your heart)”

I am start to feel this is going somewhere but do I want to go there…

“What a wicked game you played to make me feel this way”
“What a wicked thing to do to let me dream of you”
“What a wicked thing to say you never felt this way”
“What a wicked thing to do to make me dream of you”

She smells so good. I can’t. The song goes on…

“And I don’t want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)”
“No, I don’t want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)”
“With you”

She turns to me and our lips touch….

“The world was on fire and no one could save me but you”
“It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do”
“I’d never dreamed that I’d love somebody like you”
“And I’d never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you”

We stop kissing she puts her head back on my chest…

“No, I don’t want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)”
“No, I don’t want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)”
“With you (this girl is only gonna break your heart)”
“No, I (this girl is only gonna break your heart)” “Nobody loves no one”

We spent the rest of night watching the rain…